So, this notion of thinking about the future creating feelings of nervousness, anxiety, or fear has been wafting through my mind lately. I think perhaps the reason why the future generates feelings of anxiety has to do with the fact that we think we know what the future holds. So, we project ourselves into an imagined future, and in that imagined future we generate feelings that are more closely related to how we feel right now. Can you see the problem most of us have with our future?

One of my favorite quotes of Einstein is, “the most fundamental question we can ever ask ourselves is whether or not the universe we live in is friendly or hostile.” The answer each of us offers, he hypothesized, determines our destiny…or in other words, our future.

Huh. Imagine that?! The answer as to whether or not we are best buds with the universe determining our future.

Now, when I think about the future, I’m in love with the notion that the universe conspires to give me what I want just because that’s what friends do. Lately, I’ve begun to understand how my pal Uni (we call each other pet names), has given me glimpses of my future. Every step along my life’s path, I’ve received very specific and accurate glimpses of the future.

For instance, while considering a move to New York City in my 20s, the person I was visiting took a picture of me sitting in front of The Plaza Hotel contemplatively looking at the building in front of me. Several months later, I began working in that same building as a consultant for Estee Lauder. The first time I landed in St. Louis to help lead a workshop, I clearly heard a voice inside tell me that St. Louis was to be my home. I remember thinking, “What?! No way!” And obviously, after much kicking and screaming, St. Louis is my home. And just a few days ago, when we landed in Phoenix, AZ, I turned to Michal and said, “How come this airport is beginning to feel like home?” Could this be news of coming attractions? Hmm…

As I think about my life, I could go on and on with examples of how I saw the future just before it happened, or I realized the future had clearly been revealed days, months, or years before. It’s kind of like the Universe projects on the screen of our psyche a future based on how we’re operating now. The question is, do we trust it or not? Do we believe that we are capable and deserving of the future we’re glimpsing? My answer is a resounding YES! And another thing, it’s about time I believed in my wildest possibilities! What about you?!

Every now and then I’ve been noticing longer glimpses into the future, and I have to say, some of what I’ve seen might’ve seemed intimidating in the past. But not now. Now, I know that in each moment I’m generating the future. As I hold bigger, brighter, and bolder possibilities in the moment called now, five minutes later, I’ve already begun living into that possibility.

Who says you can’t time travel? Whoever it was, it wasn’t Einstein!

Use this discussion board/blog to post your insights. Read and discuss the insights of others. Go for it!!!

It’s now been 2 weeks and one day since I “accepted” the challenge to only promote myself. So far it is not working for me. Let’s say you’re an artist and you LOVE to draw. Can you imagine going 3 months, a quarter of a year, without drawing? Or you’re a singer. No songs for 90 days. I’m not saying that this exercise is not valid. It is VERY valid. The artist STILL needs to promote himself and his artwork if he wants to eat. A singer still needs to let others know where she will be singing. All this to say that not promoting others feels like depriving myself of “joy.” But there needs to be ba;asnce, which I definately have not had and are still struggling with.

I WILL say that I am going to continue this journey of restructuring my “automatic” promoting of anyone and everyone “just because” and I am working on being more “strategic” about it.

This is not to say I am a total failure at this challenge. I AM working hard on thinking before reacting (promoting). The lessons I’m learning are huge. I hide behind promoting others so I do not promote myself. I had a huge “aha” this week. I have my first book ever out in a few weeks. I realized I have not shared with my family. Other then kids and husband. No one else. Why? That old invisable thing. I’ve made up a story, based on my childhood and the “evidence” or “story” that I have created that no one in my family will care that I have written a book. I’m afraid to tell them because I’m afraid that the will not show they are interested or care. So I share it with dear friends that are excited for me. Where it is safe. A friend once challenged me when I’d had a great article written about me to show it to my family. Based on the very, very few times in the past that I had shared anything like this with them, the “story” or history, if repeated, would be no congratulations or comments. Well, I felt the fear of what I thought was rejection, but was really the fear of being “invisible” again, and showed the story. No comments. Nothing. Invisible. Of course I did not have this additional “awareness” (THANK YOU PAT JORDAN-FOR OUR TIME UNCOVERING THIS!).

So, being invisible in my family is a pattern. A habit. The game we play. In the business world I AM visible, and I feel ackowledged. But, out of habit I hide there as well. I hide behind wonderful people… clients and friends… see this person! They are XYZ, please meet that person… they are wonderful because of ABC. So, I hide-let myself be seen. Hide-let myself be seen. Be seen, hide. Hide. Hide. Be invisible.

Today I am re-committing to being a promoter of myself to the people who want to hear about me/my programs, my gifts, my book. People that “see” me. And, actually, I will promote to the community, the world too. Whether they see me or not does not affect me as much as not being “seen” by those family members I love and that I believe love me.

Wish me luck!

Like a boomerang, my two year old son would venture out into the world and then quickly return to hug my thigh, making certain I was still there. I was his anchor; the place he would come to feel safe as he explored new expanding boundaries.

At 16, more time passes between his returns to me. Individuation is both healthy and necessary and yet it can feel uncomfortable and a little bit scary. It’s exhilarating, and at the same time, I feel pangs of sadness in some moments.

My son was born Daniel Evan Carlson. If you visit his Facebook page today, you will see his profile is listed as Daniel Yuki Carlson. He is in transition; from adolescence to young adulthood, from male to gender free, and possibly, ultimately, to female.

Do we ever love anyone more than our children? We invest so very much in them: our heart and soul, hopes and dreams, countless hours – and lots of money.

Parenting has been a journey that has brought out my very best and my very worst. I’ve known no greater joy or sadness than I’ve lived through some of the twists and turns of being a parent.

I have felt vulnerable, proud, fulfilled, hurt, protective, sad, angry and even rageful. Very few things in life can trigger core emotional responses in me like my children can; I have discovered parts of me I never knew existed before giving birth.

I remember being in the ER the night Yuki attempted suicide and his 10 year old sister asking me if he was going to die. “I don’t know,” I answered, crying. We were very lucky that he survived the overdose of ambien he took that night. I felt so helpless as I watched the medical team work to flush out the drugs to save Yuki’s life, while Yuki fought to die, pulling out the IV and resisting treatment in whatever creative ways he could think of.

I completely understand why someone like Yuki would want to check out. The confusion and stress that accompanies adolescence is challenging enough. Add the gender identity questions and the intensity becomes unfathomable to most of us.

After 3 hospitalizations in less than 3 months, Yuki is living with Dad for awhile. His father and I offer Yuki different gifts. While Yuki and I are kindred spirits and have emotional and spiritual intimacy, Dad offers structure and consistency that simply isn’t part of my DNA. As in Maslow’s hierarchy, survival must come first.

So, for now, I must open my arms and let my child go as he navigates this bend in the journey of his life. I am trusting the boomerang principle will apply and he will return again, when the time is right and we are both ready. In the meantime, I am still here, loving him as much as ever. I am holding my place as that anchor, but now, with a much longer line. This requires a whole lot of trust on both of our parts.

The question I contemplate today is how might I bring out the very best in me as a parent while bringing out the very best in my child, through my parenting. Some moments I feel I am on course. In other moments I lose my way, getting caught up in how I wish things could be vs. honoring and navigating how they are actually unfolding.

Where in your life are you:

• Wanting/or needing to let go of someone or something in your life?
• Bringing out the best in you while bringing out the best in others?
• Wishing something was different vs. honoring what is?
• Navigating with grace and ease an unexpected twist or turn?

As always, I welcome your comments, insights and questions.

With Love and Light,
Toni

SWAG- scientifically, wild ass guess is what Dan, the owner of Big River Distribution said  to me when I asked him about how many books he thinks he can sell  to the local bookstores.  All I know is our books are going to be ready to ship in less than three weeks and this so-called future that I’ve talked about for years is NOW –and now what?

He continues by saying nonchalantly, “The number of books I decide on depends on your publicity.  I’ll start with one box of books and any more than that, I charge for storage.”  (Let me just tell you folks in case anyone is interested:  That is only 48 books and we have printed 2,000 copies and we are hoping to reprint soon.)

I say to myself, “Evonne, welcome back to the book world.”   I use to think that that the trick was to get the book in the bookstore.  Thirty days later I realized the trick was to get the book out of the bookstore.

Before he’ll consider more than one box of books, I have to produce.  we need a publicity plan and a full press kit. And then, I think to myself “Yikes, what happens if the radio and TV stations say yes.  I’m on.  This is where it gets muddy for me. It all sounded good when I talked about it and it looks good on paper, but the reality of going back out there is a whole different ballgame for me than it ever was before.  .

Well, it is now two days later and I have just returned from all day training for Imago therapists.  Guess what?  I found exactly what I was looking for- why I’m going back out there.   I want to bring spiritual concepts down to earth so people get it.

I felt I had returned home and by returning home I could go out in the world again.

I realized what  I was most frightened about.  What if they asked me a question I don’t know the answer to? This is an old fear of mine.   I don’t want to feel stupid or not  good enough.  So I’ve come up with some counter options.  Here they are:

When I don’t know the answer to a question that I’m asked-

• I can simply say I don’t know the answer. That is a powerful concept for me and a simple one at that.
• I can become more vulnerable and share what is going on inside of me when I hear a comment or question that triggers me.
• I can redirect and provide an answer that helps people see their higher truth.

So  then  I will be matching people with where they are at the moment (i.e. starting with their  difficult relationship problems and moving them past  their fear  and their stuck behavior.  In fact, once they move past their fear, their new behavior will be exactly opposite of their old behavior.  .

Okay, with all that said.  I need to walk my talk.  Here how this fits for me:

In my case, moving from fear of the being exposed as a fraud- I don’t know enough, what am I doing here- I don’t have the answers – to its opposite:  being real, authentic and sharing my fears, vulnerabilities as I experience them.

Should be quite a ride.  And me?  I’m on board.  After all, it is all SWAG, scientifically wild-assed guess.  I’ll keep you posted and I sure welcome your feedback.

Until next time,

Evonne Weinhaus

What will happen in the future?  212 has been near and dear to my heart - my birthday is 2-12, my son graduates from high school in 2012. On the other side I was raised in a hell-fire and damn nation church, 2012 was not a date to be excited about. What do I believe the future will hold?  Greg Braden’s visit to St. Louis was timely.  His ability to combine the scientific visual graphs of the ice core studies that date back 40,000 years and his deeply spiritual discoveries and insights change the gloom and doom to joy. The spiritual evolution of our planet has been mapped out and the way of  love is clear.

Why, because it all ties into being individually ACCOUNTABLE?  The very thing that I have worked on since I sat in a counselor’s office complaining about my alcoholic father and how my life could not progress, blaa, blaa, blaa, and he said….”You are blaming everyone else for your issues and not being ACCOUNTABLE.”

It was my first experience with time travel.  I was suddenly at my car in the parking lot and did not know how I had gotten there.  His words struck a cord so deep that all my bells rang at once and I had to escape from this horrible state on stage with the spotlight beaming upon my soul.  I grappled, and of course blamed the counselor because he was a man and could not understand me, I needed a woman right?

The seed was planted.  Fast forward 25 years in an argument with my former spouse.  I wanted to BUY studio lights for my photography business and he thought rental was perfect.  My manifestation skills were really hot.  On vacation in Taos, New Mexico, I got the call that the exact set of lights I wanted to buy for $1,500 had come in used in great shape with lots of extras for $800.  I knew he would be thrilled with what I created.  Nope, “rent them” his response.

Devastated and furious I drug my sad story out behind the hotel with the prairie dogs and tumbleweeds looking up at the Taos mountainside  (photo is of a meercat FYI).  I sat in the dirt and cried from a depth I had not reached.  “He won’t support me….boo hoo…I am all alone….boo hoo….if I am going to be successful I will have to do it all by myself….boo hoo….boo hoo…then suddenly the double edged sword turned on a dime.  I GET to do it all myself.  I am free.  I can create whatever I want to fathom.  I do not have to ask permission if I want success, beauty, passion, creativity, love and joy in my life.  I am totally responsible…ACCOUNTABLE for my own life!  Yipee.  My life completely changed in that moment.

Greg Braden shared about Heart Math an organization doing studies about the heart.  Our hearts have an electromagnetic field thousands of times stronger than the brain – the thinking part that get us into ego. When we hold a space of patience, understanding, and compassion our heart actually changes and it alters the magnetic field of the EARTH.  This is our tool for a successful transition into 2012 and through the patterns of time that are upon us in the next 12-18 months. Future times and challenges will shift if we can be ACCOUNTABLE and hold a space of love to release our old patterns of whoa. My shift in consciousness makes a difference today.  Imagine what this magic looks like when each one of us jumps on the wheel of individual ACCOUNTABILITY.  The entire world will unite and the transition into the future will happen with grace and ease.

I feel excited again.  Since Greg’s talk I am conscious of how I FEEL and what I wish to create in a space of love.  What will our future behold, beauty, love, compassion, laughter, bliss, spiritual clarity, harmony and peace? I choose ACCOUNTABILITY for my heart today to manifest love in each moment from now until eternity.

“Breakthrough, the Movie,”   a Conscious documentary, asks these questions: “What if there is more to life than what people are seeing? What if people could break through the barriers that keep them in their current state of suffering into the full glory of their desires? What happens to people who wake up to the possibility of living the life they only dared to dream? How do we master this thing called life? Do we have an inner guidance system?”

What if the answers to these meaningful questions cannot be truly answered by the same mind that asks them?  What if the bodies (physical, emotional & mental) that house the eternal Spirit, that is our true identity, are by their very nature not capable of answering these questions?  What if we, as Spiritual beings having a human experience, must delve into the very core of our eternal being to discover the answers?  What if who we “think” we are, is an illusionary concept motivated primarily by unclear memories of the past and hopes and fears of a future that has not yet manifested?  What if the only way to answer the questions is to be focused in the present moment of now?  Perhaps there we could escape the mind’s delusional creation of time and become aware of our eternal Selves. Perhaps being in the eternal moment of now, we could experience the answers to the questions above, through something that is beyond and within our senses, feelings and thoughts, our CONSCIOUSNESS.

Perhaps CONSCIOUSNESS is our “inner guidance system.”  CONSCIOUSNESS is available to all who become a master of their mind and can use the mind as the servant it was meant to be. There is a crystal clarity available right now, detached, rooted in the deep stillness at the core of your being in harmony with the pulse of life itself. Our essential being is immortal, but our bodies (physical, emotional & mental) are mortal.  They will get tired, they will get old and they will die. But your CONSCIOUSNESS is something beyond body and mind, it is beyond every “thing”; it is eternal. 

The mind  keeps us in a sort of stupor.  Burdened by the past, burdened by the projections of the future, we go on living – at the minimum. We don’t live at the maximum.  Our flame remains very dim.  Once we begin to drop the illusions that our mind creates and the dust that we have collected in the past, our flame arises:  clean, clear and fully alive.  Our whole life becomes a brilliant flame of awareness.  Then there are no more questions that remain unanswered.

Love, Peace and unlimited Freedom

Rollon Parker

Okay. It has been one week. The challenge? NOT to promote others, but to promote my business. I’d love to say, easy, peasy, truly a piece of cake! I have successfully STOPPED promoting others and am now GIFTED at self-promotion! But oh, how untrue THAT would be!

This past week has been so interesting! I feel like Edison, I did not fail hundreds of times to create a light bulb, I now know hundreds of ways how NOT to create a light bulb! Monday was truly the hardest and most successful today. I was mentally whipped at the end of the day. AND, I had created more business in a few hours then in a month. FOCUSED on myself! However, it was a constant struggle! My mind/my habits kept trying to pull me in to that which I love… authentic and strategic connections… the other part of me felt like I literally had a rope around those desires and would pull, pull, pull me back to self and self promotion. Was not back in my office until Friday (out on appts.) so WHAT did I decide to do? Something I have been putting off for quite some time-reorganizing my office. I’m not SORRY I’m doing it, but is it just another way to stay away from self-promoting? I DO feel like cleaning the office out means my brain is re-organizing patterns so I can start fresh on Monday. New places for information, my materials handy, all good. And yet, I want to be straight and at least address the possibility of avoidance.

BUT! I am still up to this challenge! I have so much more sympathy now for someone quitting smoking, taking just one more puff, because I did not yet go an entire day not promoting someone. My name is Karen Hoffman and I am addicted to making connections.

Since I’m a glass half full gal, I WILL say EVERYDAY I self-promoted though so PROGRESS! I DID take several steps on my new brand/branding… calling people, setting appointments I have been putting off… Gateway to Dreams is being nurtured now. Taking/making time for it!

My yardstick this week will be the ratio… am I promoting myself/my business more or others. Hopefully the ratios will reverse (10 to 1? Hmmm…..) and I can truly step in to being comfortable with promoting my services.

What about you? Any place you are keeping yourself small?

A stray dog trotted down our country road, a white pit bull with a splotch of brown over his left eye. He ran after my truck as if he had been dumped on the roadside, hungry, tired, confused, forlorn and disoriented. The desperation in his trot was sad, he longed for a new home, a cool bowl of water and a potential place to lay his weary head.  The scenario played out in my mind and suddenly the road became fuzzy through the tears in my eyes.  Had I ever felt like a stray dog left on the corner without any explanation or warning?  Was I undesirable and unwanted, a potential case for a homeless shelter or euthanasia?

The CD sang “Hey na na na na na na more than enough….” But that was not what I was feeling in the moment as I unchained the green cattle gates to my property. A good friend had given me a new grounding technique and I was so excited to try it on the land of ahs.  I grabbed a dollar store plastic table cloth and a thick green blanket and parked myself in the open meadow near a solo pine with the chimes my sister (Santa) had given me tinkling in the breeze.

I needed peace, I longed to reconnect with the sacred center of my soul and to dispel the weepy feeling that pervaded.  The series of events that unfolded over the last several weeks had triggered a deep core issue of trust.  I had lost faith in God, in my fellow man, and most devastatingly in myself. This was not a pleasant place to visit. But I knew if I did not recover the wounded hopeless 8 year old crying inside from the train station of my soul this day that she may never allow me to hold her hand again in sacred sisterhood. I had hope of encouraging and supporting her gentle growth into womanhood. I was so grateful to be looking her in one eye, since the other was hidden behind whatever she needed to feel a false sense of safety.

I laid crucifix style on the ground and began to breath. Within seconds Lucy, my neighbor’s great white Pyrenees was laying completely on top of me as if this moment had been planned a millennium ago and she was showing up for her roll in the healing presence of a warrior of wounds – minutes before she had licked the tears away and allowed me to hug her like a child with a circus teddy bear.  Her body was thick and solid unlike the muscled football players I had dated, this was different, it was of the earth and from the earth and powerfully steady with love like a polar bear.  Pyrenees do not mimic tea cup poodles but weigh 110 pounds dry and she had just come from a dip in the lake.

She placed her forearm over the chakras I had been focusing on to ground myself.  “Reddddd” I mumbled as her huge elbow dug in, “oraaaange” I gasped, then I sputtered, “yeeellllow” as she planted with precision like a pitch fork over the head of a snake. The clincher was when she gently whacked her mongongous paw on my third eye…”Indigooooo!”  “Okay” I thought, “there is something going on here.”

She instinctively knew I needed to feel the presence of Spirit in a tangible way.  I could feel my resistance release. Lucy huddled next to me with her bold head and gentle brown eyes lying on my shoulder, the mist of her soft breath trailing in the chilly air. What an amazing bunk mate!  Ever felt the power of a grizzly bear?  The sheer essence was like giving legs and a tongue to one of the boulders at Elephant Rock State Park.  She gnawed on my gloves until I removed them to wiggle my bare fingers past a few burrs and through her shag carpeting coat. I felt hope return. Lucy didn’t care if I had core issues rising out of my sacrum. Her glistening satin white paws where like angel threads of purity and purpose, here just to teach me to trust again, trust I was loved and that all would be well.

Animals and nature are great teachers about infinite love.

OMG! Just finished the Big Reveal.. Phoenix Arises Seminars this
Weekend, and am still integrating the transformative gifts of Love
And Compassion I received. Thank you, Jaimes!! I feel like I have a new body
..I am in it! And at Peace..After years of consoling, body work, and Spiritual
Practice, the time was right for me to step forward and tell the Truth of
My experience. It was held in the most gentle, strong, powerful hands
As I released the suppressed energy I had held for so long. And to the team of
Compassionate Soldiers..that gave up their weekend,  I salute with deep
Appreciation and Gratitude! They have all walked the walk, and are
Living proof of the Inner changes and the Outer changes..they look different!
In one weekend,, release of shame, reconnection to Self, and family
Receiving Insight of the ancestral pieces and agreements,
And then transformational support into step into the Body fully
That had been violated, without any fear of my stuff bubbling
Up and being exposed..Once Energy is brought to the Light
Is it transformed and released..no more secrets!
My body feels lighter, grounded, safe, witnessed, and supported!

I call to you all..come out, come out, where ever you are,
There is safety and Truth here..the suffering will be released,
And Freedom awaits you…

Then it was as if
I suddenly saw the secret beauty of their hearts,
The depths of their hearts,
The core of their reality,
The person that each one is   in God’s eyes.
If they could only see themselves
As    they really are.
No more war, hatred, cruelty or greed,

I suppose the big problem would be
We would fall down
And worship each other…(Thomas Morton)

I have seen the Beauty..
I live in the Beauty.
.
Beauty before me
Beauty to the Left
Beauty to the Right
Beauty behind me …(Navaho blessing)

I walk in Full Grace..
I am Restored…

Then it was as if I suddenly saw the secret beauty of their hearts, the
depths of their hearts where neither sin nor desire nor self-knowledge
can reach, the core of their reality, the person that each one is in
God’s eyes. If only they could see themselves as they really are. If
only we could see each other that way all the time, there would be no more
war, no more hatred, no more cruelty, no more greed… I suppose the
big problem would be that we would fall down and worship each other.
- Thomas Merton