Like a boomerang, my two year old son would venture out into the world and then quickly return to hug my thigh, making certain I was still there. I was his anchor; the place he would come to feel safe as he explored new expanding boundaries.

At 16, more time passes between his returns to me. Individuation is both healthy and necessary and yet it can feel uncomfortable and a little bit scary. It’s exhilarating, and at the same time, I feel pangs of sadness in some moments.

My son was born Daniel Evan Carlson. If you visit his Facebook page today, you will see his profile is listed as Daniel Yuki Carlson. He is in transition; from adolescence to young adulthood, from male to gender free, and possibly, ultimately, to female.

Do we ever love anyone more than our children? We invest so very much in them: our heart and soul, hopes and dreams, countless hours – and lots of money.

Parenting has been a journey that has brought out my very best and my very worst. I’ve known no greater joy or sadness than I’ve lived through some of the twists and turns of being a parent.

I have felt vulnerable, proud, fulfilled, hurt, protective, sad, angry and even rageful. Very few things in life can trigger core emotional responses in me like my children can; I have discovered parts of me I never knew existed before giving birth.

I remember being in the ER the night Yuki attempted suicide and his 10 year old sister asking me if he was going to die. “I don’t know,” I answered, crying. We were very lucky that he survived the overdose of ambien he took that night. I felt so helpless as I watched the medical team work to flush out the drugs to save Yuki’s life, while Yuki fought to die, pulling out the IV and resisting treatment in whatever creative ways he could think of.

I completely understand why someone like Yuki would want to check out. The confusion and stress that accompanies adolescence is challenging enough. Add the gender identity questions and the intensity becomes unfathomable to most of us.

After 3 hospitalizations in less than 3 months, Yuki is living with Dad for awhile. His father and I offer Yuki different gifts. While Yuki and I are kindred spirits and have emotional and spiritual intimacy, Dad offers structure and consistency that simply isn’t part of my DNA. As in Maslow’s hierarchy, survival must come first.

So, for now, I must open my arms and let my child go as he navigates this bend in the journey of his life. I am trusting the boomerang principle will apply and he will return again, when the time is right and we are both ready. In the meantime, I am still here, loving him as much as ever. I am holding my place as that anchor, but now, with a much longer line. This requires a whole lot of trust on both of our parts.

The question I contemplate today is how might I bring out the very best in me as a parent while bringing out the very best in my child, through my parenting. Some moments I feel I am on course. In other moments I lose my way, getting caught up in how I wish things could be vs. honoring and navigating how they are actually unfolding.

Where in your life are you:

• Wanting/or needing to let go of someone or something in your life?
• Bringing out the best in you while bringing out the best in others?
• Wishing something was different vs. honoring what is?
• Navigating with grace and ease an unexpected twist or turn?

As always, I welcome your comments, insights and questions.

With Love and Light,
Toni

Imagine feeling like you were born in the wrong body; inside you felt like a different gender than what your body shows on the outside.

This has been my son’s experience for as long as he can remember. He has a vivid recollection of looking in the mirror when he was 4 and realizing that the image he saw did not match how he felt inside.

In last week’s blog I wrote about my son, Daniel, who has embarked on an interesting journey of gender exploration. He believes the body you arrive in should not be the determining factor of who you are. He doesn’t buy in to a forced binary system of someone being male or female; he sees gender as more of a continuum.

Daniel has always danced to the beat of his own drum; his quest has always been being true to himself; being authentic. This became evident even when he was a toddler. Most young children will ask why they are being asked to do something. Daniel always took it a step further, questioning whether a request was reason enough to do what he was being asked to do, and frankly, whether or not he really wanted to do what was being asked.

Living life as a question has continued. Today Daniel’s questions revolve around who he is, what he believes, why things are the way they are, and what gender he most identifies with. The first step in his journey was to begin thinking of himself as gender free. As he allowed himself the space to transcend the physical body he entered this world in, he opened up to new possibilities of discovering who he is on the inside. Over time, he has realized that in many ways, he identifies more with being female than male.

Part of Daniel’s new beginning involved choosing a name that more accurately represents who/how zie is inside. (In last week’s blog I presented the preferred pronouns of people who are gender free: Zie instead of he or she; Hir instead of him or her.) Daniel’s chosen name is Yuki; a name used by both genders, but most often by females. It means blessing;snow in Japanese.

This makes perfect sense because Yuki has always been intrigued with the Japanese culture, language and art. And if you read last weeks’ blog you know that zie loves ice. Zie knows how to write Yuki using the Japanese alphabet; as usual, always going for full authenticity.

A more recent aspect of Yuki’s journey has been speaking at local universities. Zie is committed to helping teachers, counselors and school administrators understand the opportunity they have to make a bigger positive difference in the lives of kids by accepting and honoring all forms of diversity. Yuki asks them to be accepting of LGBT youth and to intervene when kids are ridiculed and bullied for simply being themselves.

One of the teachers wrote the following letter to her professor following Yuki’s visit to their class.

“Yuki was truly inspiring. Hir courage and openness was a breath of fresh air. I’m sure so many children are just hiding what they really feel inside in order to just live a “normal” life as their family had planned for them. It takes someone with real courage to step up and be so open. In return for that, Yuki gets to live a freeing life. A life that zie really feels is hir own, and that is so important. I really applaud both Yuki and hir mom for speaking with us. From that experience, I learned so much more about the differences people have, and it opened up a new accepting and understanding place in my own heart.”

Yuki is also an ongoing source of inspiration for me, and hopefully for you, too.

• Do you have the courage to ask ourselves and the world around us the tough questions?
• Are you willing to speak your truth?
• How authentically are you living your own life?
• Are you accepting of people walking different paths? And are you willing to move beyond tolerance to honoring those different paths?
• In what ways might you use your greatest pain as a catalyst to help others grow?

Yuki’s path also represents new beginnings for me as his mother. I will be sharing that in next week’s blog.

In the meantime, I hope you will join me on this week’s blogcast on with Jaimes McNeal and roundtable guest Debbie Volmert as we kick off March’s discussion topic:

Breakthrough in Leaping into the Future.

Monday, March 1st from 6:00 – 7:00 p.m.

Call 712-432-8282, enter conference number: 030110, then #

And, as always, I welcome your comments on this week’s blog.

Love & Light,

Toni

His eyes seemed to say, “Thank you. I love you. I’m so happy we chose each other,” as my 3 week old infant looked up at me while nursing at my breast. As I gazed into his big blue eyes, I felt a magnitude of love I had never before experienced. It was all encompassing – eyeball to eye ball; heart to heart. He was of me and at the same time, he was still part of me. On the outside now, but still within.

Words simply cannot describe the intensity of the connection. I remember noticing that the love I felt for my husband paled in comparison. It scared me. I thought I knew what love was and this was so much bigger, and what was this awareness telling me about my marriage?

As Daniel nursed, he was so present, so content, so trusting, so pure. I remember imagining what his life journey would be. What his interests would be, what subjects he would excel in, what kind of woman he would choose, what kind of father he might be some day…

He seemed like such an old soul, even as an infant. He began meditating at a very early age. I remember driving him to pre-school and asking him a question about his best friend, Meghan Maloney. I heard his little voice from the backseat respond, “Mom, please be quiet. I’m meditating.”

He invented his own religion at age 8, called “Churtuglvirda.” Within it was a complicated classification system whereby Daniel could determine which element best expressed someone’s personality style (fire, ice, wind, etc.) He is ice; I am fire. To this day, his email address is Icy.

I remember when he saw the movie, “Indigo Kids”, he turned to me and said, “Now I know what my problem is with the rest of the world. They are dimensionally challenged.”

A few years ago when Daniel turned 13 I was checking my e-mail late one night. As I was skimming my e-mail inbox, I noticed an e-mail from Icy. In the subject line, I read the words, “Very Important.”

“Dear Mom,
I have given this a lot of thought and done extensive research. I want to become gender free.” My heart skipped a beat. Life as I had known it, and had always imagined it. was about to change, forever.

His e-mail went on to talk about surgeries, medications, etc. When Daniel researches something, he’s very thorough.

Have you ever felt grateful you received some important information in an e-mail vs. in person? I’m not sure I might have responded in the moment had he been standing before me. I was grateful I could reflect that night and choose my response.

I wrote back, “First and foremost, I am so grateful you are willing to share whatever is up for you.” I’m 100% committed to learning with you and exploring options together.”

We have been on an interesting journey ever since, learning about new pronouns for example, “Zie instead of he or she; Hir instead of him or her. My enlightened child has opened so many new doors for me. Zie does not choose to buy in or participate in a forced binary system of male or female. Zie stands in hir truth. Tune in to the Breakthrough blogcast on Monday, March 1st to learn more about our journey.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

On a day we associate with expressing love, in a month where the theme of our Breakthrough Blog is loving relationships, I am consciously choosing God as my Valentine.

If you happen to struggle with

Imagine gazing into the eyes of the person it is easiest for you to love unconditionally… Perhaps it is your spouse, partner, a child or a dear friend. Notice your experience as you look at this one you love so deeply, this one you cherish, this one you nurture, protect and are so generous with. Are you feeling appreciation? Awe? Warmth? Connection?

As you imagined this person you love so unconditionally, were you looking in a mirror? Why does it sometimes seem easier to express love to others than to ourselves?

Ricki Byars Beckwith wrote a song, “I Love Myself So Much.” The lyrics offer great wisdom, “I love myself so much that I can love you so much; that you can love you so much, that you can start loving me.” I know in my own life, it is much easier to express love freely to others when my cup runneth over with self love first. The more I nurture and care for myself, the greater my capacity is to do the same for those around me.

Every time I lose me in the shuffle of life’s busy-ness, and take shortcuts with my self-care, I notice the risk is much higher for me to feel irritable and to start giving to others conditionally, with strings attached. Some part of me starts keeping score on who around me is giving less than I am. I start feeling resentful and angry. I focus more on judging than honoring others – even those I know I love deeply. I feel separation rather than oneness. This is the antithesis of unconditional love.

In one of my darkest hours many years ago, I remember crying for what seemed like an eternity. I was feeling a soul level despair following an abortion and the ending of a long-term relationship with a man I believed was my soul mate. Have you ever cried until it seemed there were no tears left to shed? This was such a night for me.

I remember walking from room to room in the small apartment where I lived, flinging myself across the couch and sobbing, then going to the bedroom and dropping to my knees on the floor. I must have gone through an entire box of kleenex.

I ultimately wound up in the bathroom at the sink. As I raised my head to look in the mirror, I saw a woman in deep despair. My face was red and swollen. My eyelids were so puffy my eyes were mere slits. My hair was a mess from all the tears and flailing around on my bed.

Somehow, in that moment, the woman in the mirror seemed so foreign and distant. Some part of me that witnessed her felt sympathy, but also felt completely helpless to ease her pain and suffering. My heart went out to her. I so wanted her to know I cared. I suddenly remembered an exercise Jack Canfield assigned in a workshop a few years earlier. He had asked me to look in a mirror and say, “I love you,” to myself.

I invite you to find a mirror right now, or to remember and practice this exercise the next time you are in front of a mirror. Make eye contact with yourself. See yourself from a place of curiosity, noticing details you wouldn’t ordinarily see. Take your time. Notice how you feel about yourself. Notice the things you most appreciate and cherish about you. And then, when you are ready, say out loud, “I love you.” Say it slowly, at least 5 times – until you experience the quality of unconditional love you felt when I asked you to identify someone you love deeply. And, if feeling unconditional love for yourself seems unattainable for any reason, love yourself unconditionally enough to simply notice that, and make an appointment to return the next day to meet yourself again in the mirror.

I invite you to practice this daily for 30 days with the intention to fall in love with you over and over again. Do you realize your magnificence? Do you cherish your unique gifts and talents? Are you there for yourself through thick and thin?

Here are some other great ways to deepen your self-love.

1. List at least 50 things you (and others) love, appreciate and admire about you and post it somewhere you can read it often. Ask people to tell you if you don’t know what they would say.

2. Listen to your favorite love songs and sing them to yourself. e.g., You Are So Beautiful To Me, I Will Always Love You, The Greatest Love Of All, I’ll Be There, Ain’t No Mountain High Enough, I Just Called to Say I Love You, and so many more.

3. Make a list of ways you like to nurture and love yourself. (e.g., getting a massage, taking a bubble bath, preparing a special meal and eating by candlelight, journaling, etc.)

4. Schedule at least 2 special dates with yourself over the next two weeks.

5. Become your own best valentine.

“Don’t forget to love yourself.” – Soren Kierkegaard

Because the greatest love of all is you loving you.

I would love to hear about your experiences. Know I am unconditionally loving you as I write this, gazing into your eyes through the words you are reading, seeing you and knowing just how loveable you are.

With Love & Light,
Toni